6 Tips on Flirting as a Couple

Flirting in Tandem in the Swinger Lifestyle can be Tricky, but Fun!

Image licensed from 123RF | auremar

Whether it’s a lifestyle event, a house party, a social club, or a meet-up with another couple for dinner or drinks—figuring out how to flirt can be daunting to those new to the swinger lifestyle. If you’re anything like us, you may have been married a very long time before ever entering the lifestyle. What that means is that we haven’t had to flirt for a good long while and suddenly we find ourselves a wee bit rusty at it (or maybe we were never all that sure how to do it in the first place).

Over the years, we’ve made mistakes and had successes when it comes to social flirting in the lifestyle. We thought we’d share some of our hard-won tips with you.

Try, But Not Too Hard

This is probably the most challenging part of being flirtatious, whether it’s solo or as a couple: We want to show interest and put in the effort but—at the same time—not come across as (1) over-eager, (2) desperate, or (3) creepy.

Look, nobody wants to spend too much time talking with a couple that seems removed, disinterested, and aloof. We all want the folks we’re chatting up to come across as engaged in the interaction. So “try” means just that: Strive to be engaged and make an effort not to appear closed off or unresponsive.

At the same time, most of us get a little hinky when a couple is overly aggressive with their closeness, their touch, or their words. Likewise, most of us don’t respond well to obviously inauthentic attempts to connect, as when the other person eagerly agrees with everything we say—nodding their heads like a human Pez dispenser—and/or is oddly into all of the same interests as us. This is where having lifestyle BS-meter comes in handy. Folks instinctively know if you’re saying something just to meet an objective, from when you’re saying something more authentically.

So, this tip really comes down to be authentic. People can sense it, tend to appreciate it, and it will connect you much faster (if you’re compatible) than forcing a connection.

Use Your Body & Your Eyes…

…as much or more than your mouth.

How we position our bodies makes a big difference in how we come across. This seems elementary, but it’s something we can always check when we’re out trying to connect with others. We want to assume postures that are open, friendly, and welcoming rather than protective, closed-off, and guarded.

Once we’re talking with another couple of interest, we can always make sure to lean in a bit to show interest in what they are saying rather than sitting back and looking around the room distractedly. We can un-cross our arms (and use a wrap or jacket if we’re chilly, instead).

Probably most significant, we can look directly at the person who is talking with us. Flirting solo or in tandem isn’t that different than ordinary conversation in that the person we’re engaged in chatting up will feel a lot more connected to us if we have lots of eye contact throughout the interaction. Think about it: How often have you made eye contact with someone — JUST eye contact, across the room maybe — and then thought about that person and what it may have meant for days? Eye contact is powerful.

Use Your Ears, Too

You know what else is powerful? Listening, really listening to the other person. Rather than spending the other person’s talking time thinking about what we want to say next, we can let our mind really concentrate on what they are saying. Maybe do a little “active listening” technique and repeat back to them what we think we heard in our own words, offering affirmation that we heard—or that we’re not sure we understood and care enough to want to make certain. Don’t overdo that technique, but it’s not a bad one in moderation.

It can be a really effective flirting technique to go into conversation with the goal of listening and learning about the other people more than we talk, ourselves. They will feel our interest and attention, which can be very arousing for many people, and—bonus—we will get good information about whether there is a connection between us as opposed to solely a physical attraction.

Let Them See You In Love

In the swinger lifestyle, couples are powerfully attracted to other couples who are in solid, strong, loving relationships with one another. Letting the other couple see the two of us touch and flirt with one another during our conversation sends all the right signals that we’re into each other as much as we may be into them. The caution here is moderation. It’s not sexy flirting to be all over one another like a couple of horny teenagers while attempting to genuinely engage with others.

Riff Off One Another

The chief benefit of flirting as a couple is that we have a built-in wingman. Engaging with one another in a social setting is just as important as engaging others. Flirting at a lifestyle event rarely means squaring off with the opposite-sex partner in another couple one-on-one. More often, we find ourselves chatting in groups of four or six, where the interaction between the two of us is part of the chemistry as much as the interaction with the other couple(s).

We know which innocuous stories we can share in mixed company without embarrassing one another or airing dirty laundry. Sharing those amusing but agreed-upon safe stories in a good-humored way can come across as endearing. If we aren’t certain whether a story is emotionally safe for our partner, we won’t share it until we’ve had a chance to ask one another outside of a social setting.

A little good-natured ribbing of one another, joking and being at ease with one another, sends good vibes. This is not the same as couples who rag on each other out of nervous habit. If you’ve ever been around a couple doing that, you know what we mean. Couples being mean to each other in some ill-conceived comedy-duo routine comes across as obnoxious, not fun or funny.

Don’t Drink Too Much

If there is one thing that can take a slightly-nervous but otherwise extremely charming couple to Obnoxiousville quickly, it’s too much alcohol. It’s smart to know our limit, that magical difference between being nicely lubricated for easy social interaction and being intoxicated. Being too boozed up can amplify our voice, intensify nervous habits, and interfere with our ability to temper interest in a couple. It can embolden us to say and do things before the timing is right.

One good idea in a social setting where we might over-sip the drink in our hand out of nervousness is to make sure whatever is in that glass is not super boozy. Maybe drink number one is gin and tonic, but drink number two is just tonic with lime. It gives us the same “safety blanket” of having a glass in our hands as we move through the room and talk with couples, without the danger of over-drinking.

We hope you find these tips helpful as you venture out, and we offer one bonus tip: Flirt with each other, too! At home or out on just-us dates, it’s fun and sexy to remember all the reasons we fell in love in the first place. It’s fun to woo one another—and it’s good practice for when we want to woo others.

We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.

We love reading (and writing) about sex, sexuality, and the swinger lifestyle on Medium. It’s entirely worth the $5/month subscription. Care to join us?

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Mr. & Mrs. Jones

Mr. & Mrs. Jones

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We are swinger lifestyle podcasters and we gotta thing going on! Care to join us? WeGottaThing.com