Cliques in the Swinger Lifestyle
Behavior Problem or Problem of Perception?
It seems to come up all the time, especially with those new to the swinger lifestyle—we hear people talking about feeling shut-out or excluded at lifestyle events. There seems to be a common perception that cliques run rampant in the swinger community.
As Mrs. Jones points out at the start of Episode 106, cliques can happen in any setting and though they are often associated with adolescence, they can be problematic for adults too. People might experience feeling on the outside of cliques when they move to a new town or neighborhood, when they start a new job, or when they attend a perfectly vanilla social event where they don’t know many others there…yet.
And that’s the thing, really: Experiencing the discomfort of feeling on the outside of cliquishness seems to be mostly associated with being new somewhere or at something. That’s absolutely true for new swingers. We hear all the time that new couples feel as if they are on the outside looking in when they attend an event or go to a club or resort.
Look. Almost everyone has experienced being on both sides of a clique perception.
It’s likely you’ve felt what it’s like to be on the inside of a group of people who have become comfortable and connected with one another over time and found out that sometimes other people think of you as acting exclusive and cliquish. (Likely, you were surprised to learn this because you didn’t realize you were projecting that.) It’s probably also very likely that at some time you’ve ventured into some kind of new territory and gotten the feeling that everyone else already knows each other and are simply not interested in letting you in.
We think cliquishness is more a problem of perception than of people actually wanting to exclude others. But whether it’s a problem of people being clique-y or a problem of perception, it can be a problem. It can drive new folks away because — real or perceived — feeling like an unwelcome outsider is not a fun, sexy feeling.
It’s Natural
It’s likely that feeling excluded and forming perceptions of cliques is heightened for those new to the swinger lifestyle. That makes sense! Swinger events, resorts, and sex clubs can seem exotic and foreign. They tend to be sexually-charged environments that, for newcomers, are fraught with the unknown. Not knowing the unspoken social codes quite yet can make people enter the situation with an elevated sense of anxiety. This is not the sort of environment we may have navigated before or often. That’s stressful for most people.
It can feel sort of like middle school all over again, to some (many?) folks. Will they like me/us? Will they think we’re attractive? Will they want to talk to us? Will they be interested in us? Will they think we’re clueless? Will they judge us for being inexperienced? What if we say or do something silly or wrong?
Those are natural anxieties, particularly for anyone who trends a bit introverted. And when you walk into an event, a club, or a sexy vacation spot with those things paramount on your mind (no matter how cool-as-a-cucumber you wish you felt), the result can be that seeing groups of already-acquainted people talking, laughing, and enjoying themselves can feel like you’ve wandered into a den of impossible to infiltrate pre-established cliques.
It Just Takes Effort (and Time)
Mrs. Jones, arguably very experienced in the lifestyle at this point, still leans introverted. She may seem gregarious and outgoing, but that’s been a consciously learned behavior for her. Her natural tendency is to be a bit of a wallflower, assuming that she’s not welcome until someone approaches and welcomes her. What she’s learned—what she’s taught herself—is that waiting for others to engage you first isn’t always the best strategy in the swinger lifestyle. She’s expanded her comfort zone and found ways to charmingly insert herself in a group of folks at an event without anguish and without disrupting the vibe the group had going.
You can too.
How? Primarily by taking a deep breath and realizing that the groups of people who seem so walled-off and unwelcoming aren’t trying to be exclusive. They are just engrossed in exciting conversations, making connections, and vibing with each other. Chances are very good that they’d welcome a couple coming up and introducing themselves. (Mrs. Jones reveals her mental trick for doing this in Episode 106).
Truth be told, in all the years we’ve been in the lifestyle now, we’ve only ever run into one group that we would truly describe as a clique. When we approached them and tried to engage them in conversation, they really did blow us off. Our decision about that is that it wasn’t a group that was a good fit for us anyway, and so no harm done (other than a little sting to our ego for a short time). The important thing we want you to hear is that this was ONCE. In all these years. One time. Every other time, we’ve found groups welcoming and engaging when we said hello.
Remember all the times in your life when you were new (in a town, school, job, vanilla party, etc.) and felt a little left out until you got your groove…and then things were fine. And, after more time, you maybe found yourself inside a “cliquish” group when someone else new arrived on the scene.
We’d love to see both groups of people in the lifestyle challenge themselves during social events. Insiders can practice looking out for newcomers who could really use a friendly wave to come over and some introductions. Newcomers (hate to say “outsiders”), take a deep breath and go on over to say hello. If you don’t feel welcome after a while, politely excuse yourself to go meet another group. You’ll find the ones you gel with soon enough. Just like always. You’ve got this. (And remember what it felt like so that once you’re an “insider,” you’ll also look out for the new folks).
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
