Don’t Call It Luck
It Takes Effort to Succeed in the Swinger Lifestyle
It’s not that we don’t feel lucky to have the kind of loving relationship with one another that we do or the kind of experiences we share together. We know we’re extremely fortunate! It’s just that, well, we didn’t merely luck onto it. If you follow our swinger podcast, you likely already know a lot about our story. For those just finding us and newly hearing about some of the sexy vacations and lifestyle experiences we talk about, it may be tempting to think, “Man! They are so lucky!”
The truth, though — and we’ve talked about this before on episode 100 — is that finding success as a couple in the lifestyle is more about putting in effort than relying on good fortune.
Putting Effort Into Our Primary Relationship
Our relationship with each other has always been priority number one. That’s our most non-negotiable principle. But that doesn’t mean that no effort is required; on the contrary — just as with any healthy fully monogamous couple — it takes daily effort to keep showing up for each other as our best selves. We ebb and flow like any other couple, but we like to think that we do a pretty good job of showing care, consideration, love, respect, and romance for each other on the regular. And, when that does seem to be ebbing more than flowing, we help each other recognize it, talk about it, and work through it together. We’re lucky to have each other, sure. But it’s not luck that keeps things working so well. It’s the effort we both put in and the priority we give our relationship above all else.
Prioritizing our relationship also means putting our money where our mouth is, pretty literally. We budget for the lifestyle, realizing that some of the experiences we want — like swinger vacations — do not come without a financial cost. A long time ago, we agreed that financially planning for our sex life in this way made just as much sense as budgeting for all of the other expenses it takes to maintain a quality, healthy relationship. It may not sound sexy at all, but putting the effort into forethought and discussions about how and where we want to spend our money allows us to plan experiences we might not have if we relied on luck alone.
Putting Effort into Being Open to Experiences
Especially for those of us who were in long-time monogamous relationships before delving into the lifestyle, opening our minds to a different kind of marriage took putting in a lot of time and effort to explore the possibilities — researching the lifestyle, having deep conversations with each other about our desires, letting go of preconceived notions and societal expectations. We’ve grown so much as individuals and as a couple over the years in the lifestyle, but that didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t easy every step of the way. There have been some super challenging moments and even some moments when we had to press pause and step back to re-assess where we were and what we wanted out of it.
Beyond that, there’s effort to examine and re-examine boundaries and desires as time goes on and experience is gained. Deciding if we wanted to move from soft-swap to full-swap. Deciding if we would ever be OK with separate room play, and under what circumstances. Deciding whether to try pushing some boundaries we used to think were hard and fast. Each new experience has been exhilarating, sometimes even simple, but not in any way easy. The growth comes as a result of a lot of thought, discussion, and intention.
Putting Effort into Getting to Know Others
It may seem like we meet others effortlessly, but nothing is further from the truth. We often talk about it on the podcast — there’s definitely a “fake it until you make it” aspect to starting out in the lifestyle. Everyone, we think, feels at least a little bit awkward, shy, uncertain, and hesitant when starting out. And, if we’re honest, that only *mostly* goes away with time and experience. If you ask long-time lifestyle couples (us included) you’ll hear that people still have moments where they have to overcome their inner introvert to walk across the room and meet the dazzling new couple who arrived.
Early on in the lifestyle, we were hesitant to let others know too much about who we really are, mostly out of fear of being “outed” for our relationship choice. Over time, we realized that letting others get to know us allowed us to develop profound lifelong friendships. Investing time to get to know others has made our experience with the lifestyle deep and rich.
Putting Effort into Working Through Hurdles
There are times we find ourselves facing a hurdle related to the lifestyle. It may be that a boundary was unwittingly crossed and that needs to be addressed between us. It may be that one or the other of us feels “out of sync” for one reason or another. There have been some really huge hurdles — like being outed in our community and dealing with scary health issues. Early on, we grappled with emotions like jealousy. This is part and parcel in the lifestyle. And we anticipate that other hurdles will continue to come our way.
What we’ve learned is that it’s worth the effort. It’s worth the hard discussions, the introspection, and the teamwork it takes to overcome challenges. Each new hurdle presents a chance for us to grow, if we let it. It’s not easy and not always comfortable. Sometimes it’s scary. Often, it feels like work. Ultimately, it’s worth it every time.
We don’t rely on luck to keep our relationship working in the swinger lifestyle. It’s too precious to us to leave things to fickle fortune. We value it too much for that. The rewards come out of the effort, and that’s precious too.
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
