Great Sexpectations
or, “How Swingers Set Ourselves Up for Disappointment”
We know better, but we still do it sometimes. We can’t always help ourselves. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it until it’s too late.
Coming into a new swinger date with specific preconceived expectations of how it will/must turn out often ends up in disappointment and the feeling that we’ve somehow failed.
Why We Do It
The prelude to a swinger date often starts virtually. We meet online or we are introduced briefly at a meet-and-greet in person but then get to know each other afterwards primarily online or by phone. We begin to interact via text, email, instant messaging back-and-forth. We flirt. We send sexy pictures, maybe. Sexy suggestions are made of what we’d like to do if/when we meet up. Those suggestions are reciprocated. It feels ON, and so we begin to expect that when we do meet for a swinger date, we will definitely have sexy playtime. As a couple, we talk about how hot the other couple is and what we hope will happen.
But hope is different than expectation, isn’t it? It’s okay to hope. It’s dangerous and perhaps foolish to expect.
The Problem(s) with Expecting
Virtual/distance interaction sometimes (often?) creates a sense of intimacy and connection that is maybe close but not quite true to life (and sometimes it’s wildly off). People online, by text, even by phone are not always the same people they are in person. And, what’s more, no amount of flirtatious banter (even with photo sharing) between people can have the same effect as in-person chemistry…or lack thereof. They may be exactly as they seemed to be virtually, but when we come together it feels like a fizzle rather than a pop—maybe even for no readily obvious or explicable reason.
In-person chemistry is a big wild card when it comes to establishing a 4-way connection for a swinger play date. When we come into the date with people we’ve solely or primarily interacted with virtually and bring along the expectation that we will certainly move from drinks to the bedroom, we are underestimating the important role of in-person dynamics that have yet to be determined.
What To Do Instead
Remember that we started this piece with “We know better, but we still do it sometimes”—That’s our disclaimer that the advice below is what we strive to follow along with our admission that sometimes (even after years of swinging) we make this mistake anyway. It’s not easy to avoid fostering and holding on to expectations.
We aim to take a friends first approach. This has served us well. Because we are social swingers, we put connections with people before having sex with people as our priority. This means that in our online/virtual banter, we look to make connections beyond just the sensory ones. We look for and try to share the qualities that we value in social relationships: respect, ideas/values in common, intellect, sense of humor. We look for and try to project signals that primary partner relationships are healthy and happy (nothing is more endearing to us than meeting up with a couple that is clearly deeply in love with one another). We try not to convey the message that we are all about sex, and we look for the same in the communication from the other couple.
We don’t aim to play on the first date. It happens from time to time, we won’t lie. But our preference is to meet up for a flirty, fun casual swinger date with the opposite of sexpectations. If it’s our first time meeting or first time meeting with the hope of eventually playing, we go into the date expecting not to have sex with the people we’re meeting. We may come prepared for the possibility that the chemistry is so undeniable that it will happen, but we agree beforehand that’s not the focus of this date. The focus of this date is getting to know the other couple, establishing an in-person connection with them, and making plans for a future playdate from there.
…and STILL Be Cautious with Expectation
Even once we’ve met and had a great first date with a couple, it can be dangerous to go into the planned play date with sexpectations. Hope is warranted, optimism is called for at this point. But expecting that you will have great sex with the other couple as you get into the car and head out may very well end up in feelings of disappointment, still.
Maybe the other couple feels ‘off’ on this occasion…with you or with each other. Maybe there’s something in their world or your world that prevents the connection you thought was there from really being there, at least on this occasion. Maybe they no-show for either good reasons or no reason. Maybe…well, maybe—for whatever reason(s)—you end up going home with each other and never interact physically with them after all.
So here’s our last advice on this: Try to always go into any swinger date or event with the realization that you are each other’s hottest option and that if you end up having sex with each other and nobody else after a hoped-for swinger interaction, that’s not a bad outcome at all!
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
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