Harnessing NRE in the Swinger Lifestyle
New Relationship Energy doesn’t just affect single people!
People tend to think of new relationship energy (NRE) as the sort of enthralled, all-consuming excitement that typically accompanies a budding romance or new sexual relationship. You might call it a crush or think of it as infatuation. Psychology Today defines NRE as the period of time when people become fascinated with each other and have not yet tuned in to any negative or mundane aspects of one another. Every interaction feels exciting to the point of being nearly intoxicating.
When in the thralls of NRE, everything about the other person seems absolutely scintillating. It’s like e.e. cumming’s poetic line about “muscles better and nerves more.” NRE makes interactions and even anticipation of interactions feel intense and powerful. Reason may take a backseat because the thrill sits so close to the surface that it’s difficult to ignore or resist. Our mind wanders to the other person in the middle of routine tasks. That person takes up the lion’s share of our thoughts and fantasies.
Just as NRE is a thing in the singles dating world, NRE is most definitely a thing in the swinger lifestyle! Particularly when a couple is new to swinging, NRE shows up in all kinds of ways—good and bad. It should really be something you talk about as a couple before you try swinging, or soon after dipping a toe into the lifestyle.
NRE Within Your Relationship
One of the fun ways NRE shows up for swingers is within your primary partnership! As you begin to have conversations and share fantasies about how you want to engage in the lifestyle, you experience one another in such new and sometimes surprising ways that suddenly you may find yourself flirting and carrying on with each other like you did when you first started dating.
It’s not unusual for new swingers to start paying more attention to how they look by working out more, taking more care with grooming and appearance, buying and wearing flattering, sexy clothing. Friends and family might start remarking that you’re acting like a couple of teenagers. They won’t know why you’re suddenly so flirty and touchy with each other or why you get dressed up and go out together more, but they might comment about a renewed spark they see between the two of you.
It may happen that you’ve been married to your partner for many years and then when you begin to explore your sexual selves together through the lifestyle, you rekindle an eroticism with each other that you thought had gone kind of dormant, or at least had let become routine. You are likely to find that you have sex with each other more often and in more exciting ways than you may have in years.
NRE With New Play Partners
Unsurprisingly, another way NRE plays a part in the lifestyle is when you being to talk, flirt, and play with other couples. It doesn’t happen with every couple you meet and it doesn’t always happen “evenly.” That is to say, sometimes both of you will feel smitten with the other two in a couple but sometimes one or the other of you may feel NRE more intensely.
Unless you started your relationship as swingers or in some form of open marriage, it’s likely that you have not allowed yourself to flirt or be flirted with outside your marriage up until now. The rule has been that you present yourself as unavailable and expect your partner to do the same. Suddenly, someone outside your marriage is noticing and appreciating you in ways only your partner did previously. It feels great because you are allowed to enjoy it with your partner’s full knowledge and participation.
The Dangers of NRE
You’ve probably already figured out that allowing yourself to get lost in the thralls of NRE has potential to cause problems within your primary relationship. This is one major reason we say that swinging should be something couples do to enhance their already strong relationship rather than a means to fix a problematic one. If you’ve entered the swinger lifestyle because you’re unhappy with your current sex life and/or relationship, giving in to NRE can turn into a life-changing relationship disaster. It could be easy to fool yourself into thinking the exciting infatuation you’re experiencing means you’ve found your real soulmate and convince you to allow NRE to interfere with your primary relationship.
NRE, as Mrs. Jones puts it, is really just “kicking the can of reality down the road.” The grass is rarely greener on the other side, and eventually NRE dissipates over time. That’s why it’s called NEW relationship energy. The excitement we feel when we see someone for short periods of sexy time can’t be maintained if we try to enter a more significant long term relationship with them. Eventually we will see not only their wonderful, positive traits but also their shortcomings and issues.
Even if we are in a terrific primary relationship, NRE can be tricky to navigate. It’s tempting to get caught up in a crush on someone you meet in the lifestyle, but care should be taken to avoid hurting your partner while under the influence of the novelty of this new experience with someone else.
How to Enjoy NRE Guilt-Free
The trick to enjoying NRE in the swinger lifestyle is to know what it is, expect it, acknowledge it, and communicate about it. Know that it’s a normal thing that happens and find the courage to tell your partner when you think it’s happening to you. “Man, last weekend was fantastic. I’m experiencing some crazy NRE feels about Mr. & Mrs. Smith. How about you?”
Make it something the two of you agree to help each other with rather than pretending that you are somehow exempt from it. Almost no one is immune to the intense feelings of NRE when we first start out in swinging. Couples that keep on swinging together, however, figure out a way to recognize it for what it is, name it, talk about it, and keep one another grounded in the inviolability of their partnership—mostly by reminding each other that you can only kick the can of reality so far down the road before you have to pick it up and deal with it.
NRE can be an exhilarating and fun aspect of the swinger lifestyle. Know what it is and keep it in its proper place and you will find yourself enjoying swinging together for many sexy years.
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
