I Am a Better Person Because I am a Swinger
Mr. Jones Explains an Unanticipated Benefit of the Lifestyle
You can find many articles and blog posts that talk about the benefits of being in the swinger lifestyle. There are the obvious ones: really great, fun, exciting sex; communication enhancements with your partner; meeting new friends and experiencing a side of life that few get to experience. But I have found that an unanticipated benefit from being in the lifestyle is that I am, personally, a better person because of it.
Those who are not in the lifestyle no doubt find that claim implausible or maybe even impossible, mostly because they are still measuring what it means to be a “good person” in very narrow ways, much as I did once upon a time. For those contemplating entering the swinger lifestyle, though, I think it’s important to hear about this potential benefit of swinging—your mind and heart may just expand in really positive ways.
These are my thoughts about how being in the lifestyle has shaped me as a person for the better.
When we first started swinging, we listened to a lot of podcasts and started to understand the different ways that couples interact in the lifestyle. After learning about various approaches, we discovered that we prefer to be social swingers, those who are interested more in friendships created while pursuing non-monogamy. Although the sex is fun, it is not the ultimate goal. The goal for us is to find and develop great friendships within which we have great sex. This is subtle, and sometimes others judge us for sticking to this approach.
Some people think the lifestyle is only about sex—continually pushing boundaries and pursuing the next accomplishment on a list of exotic sexual experiences. We do not judge people for their style of play; however, we know that way of participating in the lifestyle isn’t for us. The pleasure we get from encounters with those we know, trust, and respect is far greater than the encounters we get from one-night stands. Don’t get me wrong, the excitement of single-encounter sex is exhilarating — but for us it is short-lived, and we don’t want to get into a pattern of seeking that next elusive high.
Embedded in this affinity for a social approach to the lifestyle is the reason swinging has made me a better person.
Hands down, the relationships we have developed in the lifestyle are the best social relationships we have ever had. In other areas — community, church, work — we have friends and acquaintances, but they are not as close as our relationships with our lifestyle friends. Profound relationships are built on communication and vulnerability. Those in the swinging lifestyle tend to communicate more transparently and seek greater understanding of others than we have found to be true of other social relationships.
To develop such relationships requires me to continually seek to better myself. I am called upon to give more of myself to both our friends and to my wife. It inspires me to put in the effort to understand myself better and also to take the time to see others in ways I never have before. My judgment of people who are different than me has faded and been replaced by a growing desire to appreciate people for exactly who they are.
Once upon a time—like many people, I suspect—I tended to surround myself almost exclusively with people who thought and acted just like I did. That has changed dramatically as a direct result of our years in the swinger lifestyle. I now find that I purposefully put myself in situations where there can be growth in the discovery and appreciation of differences. It has made my life richer, my appreciation of others more profound, and my enjoyment of my relationships much more nuanced and satisfying.
Being a thoughtful member of the lifestyle community has caused me to see a side of myself that I did not previously feel comfortable exposing to anyone, including myself. If you are just contemplating entering the lifestyle, that may feel like a scary possibility. It’s true that engagement in the social swinger lifestyle inherently comes with some degree of vulnerability. But here’s the thing, and I don’t think I ever would have predicted this when we set out on this journey: The lifestyle has helped me to become more comfortable being vulnerable and taught me to better understand and appreciate the vulnerabilities of others. Instead of making me feel weak and exposed, this has made me feel stronger and more confident.
Although many don’t know that the catalyst for my personal growth was the lifestyle, I can see that others in my world recognize that I am a better person now. I have better relationships in my vanilla world; I am absolutely a better communicator in all aspects of my professional and personal life. I am certainly a better partner to my wife, and our trust and communication has flourished. All of this is because the lifestyle has given me insight into how to develop deeper relationships with others.
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
