Jealousy in the Swinger Lifestyle

In which Mr. Jones stares down the green-eyed monster.

IMAGE | Pexels

Being in what I consider one of the most secure relationships in the history of the world, I was taken by surprise after being ambushed by feelings of jealousy early in our lifestyle journey.

I recall feeling confused, as if I was being consumed by a heavy dark cloud, not knowing what was happening or how to process my thoughts. I noticed my behavior changed and I felt as if I was living in two opposing realities: one where I existed happily with the most amazing lover, partner, friend, and beautiful wife one could ever hope for (and had for 29 years)—and the other where something deep in my core was telling me all of that was at risk. All because I wanted to try this stupid swinger lifestyle thing.

We received an email from a listener expressing similar concerns and all of those feelings came rushing back. The listener explained they each worried about the other developing feelings for a play partner after an intimate interaction. This seems to be an issue most couples think of or worry about at some point while considering stepping into this lifestyle. Some people may never experience feelings of insecurity or jealousy…but then there’s the rest of us.

If we’re feeling insecure or jealous what we’re thinking is this: “My attractive, sexy, loving, adoring partner of over “x” number of years might play with another man/woman who is also in a strong, healthy, committed relationship. Being attracted to each other and out to have some sexy fun, they may all of a sudden realize they’ve been with the wrong person all this time, fall head-over-heels for each other and abandon their solid relationships because damn…..he/she sure was good in bed. Once.”

Assuming the “strong, healthy, committed” part of the relationship is true before we ever attempt to swing, there’s a lot of fault in this thought process. Just writing it out or saying it aloud reveals how unlikely it is and how ungrounded the fear is.

We have two things going on: one we logically KNOW is real (my partner is not going to leave me after having one sexy encounter with a person other than me) and one that FEELS possible in moments of jealousy (I’m might lose my partner because the other person was a good lay).

What can we do when the FEEL rears its ugly head? Well, we can run from it—quit swinging and never mention the lifestyle again—or we can realize we have a bit of insecurity deep down in there somewhere and take this opportunity to rid ourselves of it.

Mrs. Jones and I have been in the lifestyle for many years now. We’ve played with many, many couples and some singles. Every time we finish playing, Mrs. Jones picks up her clothes, grabs our swinger bag, takes my hand, gets in the car, and comes home with me. Every. Single. Time.

What did it take for us to overcome potential feelings of insecurity and jealousy?

For one, we are very deliberate in talking about why we are swinging and what we hope to get out of it. We still do this before each play date or event, and we still debrief after each play date or event. We talk about what went well (sexy snapshots included), and what might not have. We work through hiccups and mistakes together. If we feel twinges of jealousy or insecurity, we take an honest look at that and discuss it with each other. Recognizing it and talking through it alleviates it by allowing us to reaffirm our commitment to one another. No guess work involved.

In fact, we reaffirm our love and devotion to each other regularly. Days do not go by without at least some expression of love and appreciation for each other. We’re aware that what we share is special and precious and we don’t squander it by taking it for granted. We’re aware that participating in swinging is a gift we give each other. We also have fantastic, regular sex with each other. “Reclamation” sex after a play date is a beautiful thing.

We think that probably the worst thing a swinging couple could do is hide feelings of insecurity and jealousy from one another and just hope it goes away. Confronting the FEEL with the KNOW goes a really, really long way. Over time, those feelings pop up rarely or never because both partners prove again and again that the commitment is between the two and enjoying sexy fun with others will not damage what is real, solid, and true.

We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.

We love reading (and writing) about sex, sexuality, and the swinger lifestyle on Medium. It’s entirely worth the $5/month subscription. Care to join us?

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Mr. & Mrs. Jones

Mr. & Mrs. Jones

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We are swinger lifestyle podcasters and we gotta thing going on! Care to join us? WeGottaThing.com