Language(s) of the Lifestyle
How We Convey Meaning in the Swinger Lifestyle
Not too long ago, we found ourselves in an interesting discussion with some new friends in the pool at the Desire Pearl resort. We were talking about their recent introduction to the lifestyle and they mentioned that they noticed that the lifestyle has a language all its own that they needed to learn before feeling at ease communicating with others who swing.
Beyond some kind of swinger glossary of terms, what they meant was that they felt that couples in the lifestyle communicate with one another and with others in unique ways. We thought that was pretty insightful and it sparked the content of WGT podcast episode 81. We thought it was worth writing about here, too.
Speaking
We have found over the years that couples in the swinger lifestyle are unique in how they speak to one another in some key ways. For one thing, our swinger friends tend to talk in ways that are meant to flirt more than impress. We don’t hear about their wealth, accomplishments, and possessions. We hear about what they are interested in. Our swinger friends also tend to share thoughts and ideas more than their opinions. We don’t hear about their politics and biases. We hear explorations of possibilities. And, while there may be a motivation to get us interested in playing with them, we find that our swinger friends do not often seek to influence our thoughts, opinions, and behavior. They are interested in seeing if we have a connection, which means that they ask thoughtful questions rather than interrogating us to suss out arguments and potential areas of division.
Listening
The other half of asking thoughtful questions, of course, is listening. Swinger friends tend to listen for the purpose of learning more than they listen for the purpose of responding. Sometimes we know this because they ask really good follow-up questions that show they were trying to understand us. We can tell that our swinger friends are listening to understand and remember. Swingers are seeking to get to know someone more than seeking to get to know about someone. That may seem like subtle difference—and it is—but it also makes a big difference in how we respond to one another.
Body Language
Just as in the non-lifestyle world, body language is very important in the swinger world. It is rare to see swingers crossing their arms over their chests and sending closed-off signals to others. Swinger friends tend to make eye contact while talking and often talk face-to-face in close proximity. We see swingers-in-conversation leaning in to show interest with one another, and often we see swinger friends touching one another in slight and appropriate ways as they seek a connection. Swingers may touch (with consent) and respond to touch during casual conversations in ways that non-swinger friends never would. There is also a lot of smiling and laughter in a swinger conversation, encouraging flirtation and connection.
The Flip Side
It’s important to pay attention to the way others are communicating with us in the swinger lifestyle. When they are not making eye contact, not moving close or leaning in to show interest, stop (or never start) asking thoughtful questions or engaging in flirtatious banter with us…well, they may just not be interested. They may have decided before we even started talking that we aren’t their cup of tea. To be fair to both them and us—we need to read these signals and not try to force interaction. If the environment is a swinger meet-and-greet or other lifestyle event, there are definitely others to seek out and explore connections.
It Comes With Time & Experience
Perhaps it goes without saying, but we’ll say it—not everyone in the swinger lifestyle is good at communicating in these ways, especially at first. The habits that dictate how we communicate in the non-lifestyle world initially come with us into the lifestyle. It takes a bit for most couples to get accustomed to being flirtatious. It takes us a little time and multiple interactions to get used to the absence of comparison being the basis for conversation and get accustomed to connection being the basis for conversation.
As our friends in the pool at Desire agreed, though, it’s worth putting in the time to study and learn the language(s) of the lifestyle. And, luckily, for most couples it doesn’t take too long before becoming fluent.
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
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