Let’s Talk about Chemistry in the Swinger Lifestyle
or, the quest for a 4-way connection
When people use the word “chemistry” to talk about connecting with another person, they often talk about it as if it were completely dichotomous—it’s either there instantly and fully or it’s completely absent and it’s never going to be there. Like a toggle or a light switch, it’s immediately on or off, with no settings in between. And maybe some of the time, that’s totally true.
But what if chemistry is more of a dimmer dial than a light switch?
Way back in episode 63 of our podcast, we did some myth-busting around the idea of chemistry as it applies in the swinger lifestyle. We talk about how chemistry between people can be instant, but can also both develop and fade over time, and how it’s different between us as primary partners than it is with potential playmates.
Strong chemistry isn’t a requirement for couples to play together in the lifestyle and have a great time. Attraction and social compatibility are often enough, especially for a one time interaction. But finding or developing genuine chemistry with another couple—the elusive and coveted four-way connection—is something very special.
Mrs. Jones defines chemistry as a feeling that’s reciprocated, felt by both people to an intense degree. When one person feels a strong attraction and connection to someone else but doesn’t get any indication that the same is true in return, chemistry doesn’t exist (at least at that time). Maybe two people are even so un-aligned that one of them feels repulsed by the other, possibly for no discernible reason. The analogy of magnets works kind of well, as long as we’re being all science-y in our metaphors: When the north and south poles of two different magnets come in contact, wham! Connection. But when the poles aren’t aligned the right way, nothing.
But when chemistry is present for both people (or when the magnets align just the right way), oh boy! And if it’s present between all four people in two ethically non-monogamous couples, it can lead to a really special relationship. We’re not talking about polyamory, where the two couples join up and become exclusive. We’re talking about couples we’ve found chemistry with and that we make a point to see repeatedly over the years. Every time we do, it’s always crazy hot and always easy, for lack of a better word. No matter how much time or distance there is between us, each time we get together we just fit socially and the sex is amazing.
Sometimes chemistry between couples fades over time or in different contexts. Let’s say that we meet a terrific couple at a lifestyle resort and spend two or three days flirting and forming a connection, each of us feeling true chemistry with one another, and then we have a great time in bed before the week is out, maybe even more than once. Then, once we’re home and in our regular lives and routines, we think fondly of them and of the time we spent with them, but the intense feeling of connection and desire doesn’t continue or return. The chemistry can be context-dependent, in other words.
You know what? That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Sometimes when sexual chemistry fades, the friendship and admiration between the couples remains and continues. There are several couples in our lives who are lifelong friends and we have strong pants-on connections with them that we nurture and appreciate.
Just as chemistry between couples can fade off, it can also slow-burn on. It isn’t always immediate. Think back to the dimmer dial metaphor. The attraction may start moderate when you first meet but become stronger and stronger each time you interact with the other couple, until one time you realize you’ve got full-blown chemistry going on between the four of you. We have found this to be true more than once, and those relationships have proven to be just as hot and special and long lasting as the ones where chemistry was immediate.
For us, the key to discovering 4-way chemistry is being social swingers. We are in the swinger lifestyle to enrich our lives by meeting and forming meaningful connections with other like-minded couples and individuals. By engaging in the lifestyle in this way, we find that chemistry develops through connections in personality and life commonalities as well as physical attraction.
It’s not something that can be forced (ever try to smash two magnets together at the wrong poles?). It’s something that evolves out of having a genuine curiosity and openness for meeting and interacting with others.
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
