Quit Spectatoring!
Is your negative self-critic derailing your sexual pleasure?!
Coined by Masters and Johnson in the late 1960s, the term ‘spectatoring’ isn’t as fun or positive as it may initially sound. It doesn’t refer to voyeurism or exhibitionism. It doesn’t refer to watching porn or taking videos of ourselves during playtime. It refers to the tendency to focus critically on oneself during sex, almost as if watching from outside, instead of allowing ourselves to really feel the sensations being experienced.
During spectator sex, we monitor our own actions and appearance with hyper-vigilance, self-critiquing and searching for reactions from our partners to determine what they are thinking. We may often fill in the blanks with negative thoughts, making assumptions.
We may assume our partner must hate our thighs or the way we are moving our hands or using our mouths. We may assume that our partner sees every dimple in our flesh and feels turned off by it, but doesn’t say so. We may assume that our partner is quietly disgusted by our body or the way we move.
In short, during spectator sex we fail to turn off our inner critic or embrace our sexuality with positivity and joy. The result is predictable: Diminished pleasure, anxiety, and maybe even guilt later on. It can lead to actual performance issues. It can lead to lack of orgasm.
Why Do We Do It?
Self-doubt and feeling unhappy with the way we look might make us project our negative self-image during sex and diminish our ability to be in-the-moment and experience pleasure. This might be an ongoing issue or a temporary low in how we feel about ourselves.
Having had performance issues in the past might cause us to anticipate it happening again and flip the switch to our inner critic when sexy time starts, possibly becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, of sorts.
Negative experiences with past partners who were unkind or critical may cause us to review our movements and appearance through their lens rather than allowing us to experience the pleasure of what is happening right here and now.
What to Do About It
If you find yourself reading about spectatoring and thinking, “Oh I totally do that,” don’t fret. The fix is (A) recognizing that we do it and then (B) practicing mindfully engaging in the physical sensations of sexy moments as much as possible.
Relaxing and enjoying physical pleasure is hot. When we allow ourselves to be immersed in pleasure and really experience it, our partner has a great experience too. We can combat our tendency to be a self-critical spectator by acknowledging those things and moving into sexual encounters with the goal of letting go of doubt, anxiety, and negative self-talk. The person(s) we are fucking wants to fuck us, want us to experience pleasure, want to give us pleasure, and find us sexy as hell.
The goal is to focus on the physical sensations we are feeling or giving rather than the thoughts we are experiencing. Fingertips, teeth, tongue, lips, hair…place purposeful focus on the sensations and how it’s making us physically react.
If negative, distracting thoughts emerge, we can recognize them for a moment, take a deep breath, then consciously return to focusing on the physical sensations we are experiencing instead of those thoughts. What is our skin feeling now? Our lips? Our naughty bits? What would feel great next?
Spectatoring doesn’t have to derail a sexual experience. When we know we are susceptible to it, we can take steps to mitigate how we respond to it. Rather than allowing negative self-talk to derail our experience, we can choose to lean into pleasure and reclaim it for ourselves and our partners.
Want to learn more?
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