Seven Tips for Successful Swinging
What Happens if We Apply Covey’s Famous 7 Habits to the Swinger Lifestyle?
Since 1988, folks have been buying and reading Stephen Covey’s influential book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Perhaps not quite so many people know that the habits promoted in this seminal self-help book also work pretty darn well when applied specifically to finding success as a couple in the swinger lifestyle.
But first—what does it even mean to be a “successful” swinger? The way we are defining it is this:
A successful swinging couple is one that feels happy and fulfilled by their experiences together in the lifestyle while preserving the inviolability of their relationship with one another and—as a result of thoughtful, ethical engagement in the lifestyle—enjoys many and ongoing opportunities with other like-minded couples.
In short, a successful swinging couple can maintain a strong relationship with one another while enjoying the variety and novelty offered by the lifestyle, with longevity. Even shorter: They love each other, have fun together, and people keep inviting them back.
Be Proactive
Successful swingers know that there are lots of things they cannot control or influence; however, they put in the effort to do what is within their control, make decisions, and take action where they can. What are some things a swinger couple can be proactive about?
1 | Learn about the lifestyle and themselves: Read blogs, listen to podcasts, find books; if possible, join a newbie-friendly community and talk to couples who swing. Successful swingers don’t jump into the lifestyle unaware and blind. They take some time to learn about swinging and spend a lot of time examining why they are interested, what they hope to get out of it, and how they want to engage in the lifestyle.
2 | Put themselves out there: Swingers who don’t go to clubs or events, join swinger communities, or create dating profiles are going to have a more difficult time meeting other like-minded couples and experiencing swinger success. Being proactive includes putting ourselves into potentially sexy situations and making efforts to meet others.
3 | Taking good care of themselves in terms of health, hygiene, grooming, appearance, and attire: Successful swingers make an effort to feel and look healthy and well-maintained. It’s totally okay not to be inherently “Ken and Barbie,” but all swingers appreciate meeting and playing with others who put effort into looking and feeling their best. It’s just like dating as a single—folks are attracted to others who maintain themselves and try to look good.
4 | Following through with communication: Successful swinger couples do not communicate and then ghost. They make an effort to respect other couples’ time and care about the feelings of those they are getting to know. They are upfront and honest if a connection isn’t occurring. Successful swingers are proactive about reaching out to others and responding to others.
Begin with the End in Mind
Successful swingers are not haphazard in why or how they engage with the lifestyle. They take time at the onset to examine their reasons for wanting to swing, what they hope to get out of it (and put into it), and what rules or boundaries they will put into place. What’s more, successful swinging couples revisit these decisions before, during, and after each lifestyle encounter.
Even after several years in the swinger lifestyle, we still talk as a couple before each event or play date about what outcomes we are hoping for, what outcomes we want to avoid, and what “rules of engagement” we’ll have in place for this specific encounter. Successful swinging means making sure we’re on the same page going in.
Our rule number one is to prioritize our relationship with each other over anything else.
Put First Things First
Our rule number one is to prioritize our relationship with each other over anything else. If an opportunity in the lifestyle could jeopardize that in any way, then it’s a hard no for us. Couples who enjoy swinging together for years and years will tell you that being committed as a couple is paramount. We are a team and we approach swinging together. This means staying connected before, during, and after a lifestyle encounter.
Think Win-Win
It’s key to swinger success to be unselfish and think of others as well as ourselves. Successful swingers develop a common understanding and outcome goals going into a play date or event. They discuss play styles and desires as well as things that are off-limits prior to playing. They seek an experience that is ‘win-win’ for everyone involved (whether that’s a threesome, a foursome, or more). They place high premium on consent and they honor others’ boundaries.
Probably most importantly, successful swingers are willing to and able to agree that “no deal” may be the best deal for everyone if those involved are not in agreement or someone isn’t feeling it. Successful swingers don’t make arrangements where they know they will get what they want but someone else will not.
Seek First to Understand
When discussing (negotiating?) a play session with another couple, single, or more, successful swingers make sure to respect the others’ needs, desires, and style. That means listening and taking steps to be sure we understand what the others want as much as we strive to convey what we want. We can’t go wrong if we listen carefully and repeat back what we think we’ve heard, in our own words. The other couple or single can then affirm or correct what we perceive. If everyone involved in the discussion is doing this with and for each other, there’s a good chance at a very successful encounter!
Successful Swingers: They love each other, have fun together, and people keep inviting them back.
Synergize
This habit speaks to the elusive “four-way connection” swingers seek. It means that successful swingers want and strive for an experience (or ongoing swinger relationship) that is more than the sum of its parts. Rather than “taking one for the team,” synergizing means finding ways to honor each participant’s readiness, comfort level, and desires so that play works for everyone and not just some or one of the participants.
Couples who are good at synergizing don’t magically all come to the table with the exact same set of needs and play parameters; instead, they are good at flexing to the needs and desires of others without completely sacrificing their own.
Sharpen the Saw
The lifestyle is exciting. It brings novelty and variety. It makes people realize that they are desirable and desired. That’s heady stuff, but successful swinging couples find ways to maintain balance and perspective rather than allowing the swinger lifestyle to take over and possibly upend their world.
“Sharpening the saw” means a couple of things. It means holding one another accountable for maintaining balance between the sexy swinger lifestyle and our other “vanilla” friends, families, commitments, and pastimes. It also means finding ways to renew and energize both our primary relationship and our relationship with ourselves, as individuals. Successful swingers make time for self-care, couple-care, family-care, and seek balance.
Sharpening the saw is what allows successful swinger couples to keep going in the lifestyle with longevity.
If you’d like to hear us talk about the 7 Habits as they apply to swinging, with real-life examples, you can find our podcast episode about it here.
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
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