Should We Become Swingers?

That depends. What do you want out of it? What do you want to put into it?

Mr. & Mrs. Jones
5 min readMar 25


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This piece is being written for couples who are sorta kinda interested in getting involved in the swinger lifestyle, but not quite sure yet. It assumes that two people in a committed relationship have already started to talk with each other about the possibilities. (If you haven’t had that conversation together as a team even once yet, you may want to read this piece instead).

We love to introduce others to the swinger lifestyle, but we will never say that it’s the right choice for every couple. We have some friends who investigated it for themselves and ultimately decided it wasn’t for them. We have met lots of people who jumped right in, only to back peddle and re-evaluate their engagement with the lifestyle once the initial excitement gave way. And, of course, we know loads of couples who researched the lifestyle and evaluated whether it might work for them (and how), then became engaged, and are now loving it.

We aren’t biased that the lifestyle is for everyone, but we may be a bit biased that the lifestyle should be approached thoughtfully as a couple rather than haphazardly. Here’s what we recommend discussing together.

How Strong Are We As a Couple Just As We Are?

This is a difficult question to answer, but there are some indicators you can check “yes” or “no” to, as hints:

Can we talk openly and vulnerably with each other about sex?
Do we already share a pretty hot and experimental sex life with each other?
Do we feel satisfied and happy with the sex we’re already having together?
Can we talk about our desires and preferences with each other?
Do we operate as a team/partnership well…or is there a power imbalance?
Do we communicate with each other well about most things…or is there a communication imbalance?
When you think about seeing your partner sexually intimate with someone else, how does that make you feel — excited for them having a sexy experience or deeply concerned for your relationship?
Individually, are we each committed to the success of our relationship?

If even having a conversation centered on the questions above is difficult for one or both of you, maybe it’s not time to invite others into your intimate life just yet.

If you find that you are both strongly committed to the success of your relationship and both agree that communication is pretty strong between you, those are good signs. Even better if you agree that your sex life is pretty hot and satisfying right now, even without the lifestyle.

Why Are You Interested in Swinging?

After you’ve done some research on what the swinger lifestyle is, why do you find yourself intrigued? What have you heard, read, or been told that piques your interest for yourselves? Having a conversation centered on those questions may reveal a lot to you about whether it’s a good idea to pursue the swinger lifestyle.

Longtime listeners know that we don’t advocate the swinger lifestyle as a way to “fix” problems in a marriage or sexual relationship. If your honest answer to “why are you interested?” is that you’re unhappy with your current relationship or sex life, that’s not a great sign that you should invite others into the mix.

But if your answers are more along the lines of wanting to add spice to your already strong relationship and sex life, we’d say it’s a positive indicator!

What Do You Hope to Get Out of It?

This is a fun question to talk about together!

When you envision the swinger lifestyle for yourselves, what do you see? Do you want to go out and meet new couples every weekend? Every once in a while? A couple times a year? Do you want to create lasting relationships with only a few couples, somewhat exclusively, or would you like to meet and play with many different couples? What kind of sexual experiences do you want? What kind don’t you want? Are you interested in playing with single men or single women? Are you intrigued by group sex with more than 4 people involved? Do you want to go on swinger vacations? Do you like the idea of attending swinger parties and events? Do you hope to make long-lasting swinger friendships or are you more interested in casual one-time experiences?

It’s fun and important to talk about how you envision the swinger lifestyle for yourselves. Just know that it tends to grow and evolve for most couples. We started as a soft-swap only couple and grew over time to be a full-swap couple. Know that your answers to the questions above may change, over time, and that is fine.

What Do You Want to Put Into It?

This is maybe a tougher conversation. Swinging requires time, money, thoughtfulness, and what some might consider hard work.

Engaging in the swinger lifestyle definitely demands higher levels of communication and self-awareness than we exercised prior, and we don’t think you’d run into too many swingers who will tell you otherwise. It requires us to communicate better and more frequently with each other as well as with others. It means learning about (and respecting) the concept of consent. It means sometimes we have to confront our own feelings of jealousy or anxiety, and be willing to talk with our partner openly about those vulnerabilities.

The quest to meet others and maintain swinger relationships takes time and investment of ourselves. There are lots of ways, now, to meet others. It could be through an app, an online dating site, a meet & greet, a private party, or swinger event. No matter how we meet others, swinging calls upon us to want to get to know people and look for both sexual and social compatibilities. It also requires us to learn how to respectfully decline when a connection isn’t there…and to cope with being told “no thank you,” ourselves—something we may not have done since our single days.

And then, of course, you’ve got to talk about your risk appetite, as a couple and how “out” you want to be if you engage in the swinger lifestyle. The lifestyle is accepted more and more in mainstream society, but it’s not fully acceptable to all people. Consideration for how our family, friends, and community might respond if they were to know is an important thing to talk about before entering the lifestyle (rather than after it happens).

The Keys: Do Your Research & Find a Community

We advocate strongly for couples interested in the swinger lifestyle to read a lot about it online, listen to various podcasts about it (not just ours), and have lots of conversations with each other both before you get started and all along the journey.

Another thing we recommend is finding a lifestyle community that works for you (again, not necessarily ours). These types of communities offer some of the best support you’re going to find, from people who are either starting out just like you or have been-there, done-that and can offer valuable tips and pointers. Either way, you’ll be welcomed, accepted, and supported by folks who understand and do not judge.

We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at



Mr. & Mrs. Jones

We are swinger lifestyle podcasters and we gotta thing going on! Care to join us?