So, How’d You Two Get Started as Swingers?

Why it’s fascinating to learn about other couples’ origin stories.

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Spend any amount of time in the swinger lifestyle, and you’ll notice that a frequent topic of conversation online, or at meet-and-greets, events, and parties is discussion of what brought a couple there. Not to that specific venue, per se, but to the lifestyle in general. It’s not unusual for couples who are meeting or talking for the first time to ask one another how they got their start in the swinger lifestyle.

While a few couples may wave off the question with a cursory, “Oh we’ve done this for years” sort of remark, hinting that they’d rather not discuss it further—it’s far, far more common for the question to open up a rich and mutual conversation that allows all four (or more) people involved to quickly learn about one another and possibly develop connections that lead to sexy play and friendship.

Here are some of the reasons we really love hearing other couples’ origin stories, and sharing ours.

It Shows We Don’t Make Assumptions

The world is full of people going about just assuming that others’ lives match their own. That’s almost always a mistake. We’ve found it to be far better to take the time to really learn about other’s experiences, beliefs, and desires directly from them rather than assume that what we have encountered, believe, and desire is what they do as well.

While we do hear a lot of origin stories that have similarities, no two are exactly the same. Maybe they have been married for many, many years (like us) or maybe they are newly married and went into marriage with the idea of being ethically non-monogamous. Maybe the wife brought it up, rather than the husband. Maybe they went on a vacation and experimented, then adjusted their view of marriage. Maybe…maybe we will learn that there are many varied ways that couples come to the swinger lifestyle that differ from the way we did!

It Allows Us to Show We are Interested in Them

Anyone who listens to our podcast or reads our Medium stories knows by now that we value connections with other people in the lifestyle. We like to get to know them, we want to get to know them (not just have sex with them). We are social swingers.

That being the case, any means we have to demonstrate that we genuinely want to learn about them and seek connections is welcome. Asking about their start in swinging shows them that we are interested in them as people, them as a couple, and possibly them as lovers.

It Tells Us About Their Relationship

You may have heard us warn about red flags when seeking swinger connections. The response we hear to the question of “how did you two get started in the swinger lifestyle” often opens the door for us to tell if there might be any reason we should not pursue playing with them. Maybe they are solid, in love, committed, and both equally engaged in swinging. Or maybe we find out that one or the other does all the talking while the other shrinks away or stares down at their drink. Maybe as we talk, it becomes clear (or at least suspect) that engaging in play with them might not be good for us or for them.

While we don’t ask this question merely to ferret out red flags, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention here that a couple’s response to this question can give us important insight. That’s because…

It Often Reveals Their WHY

As couples talk about how they came to be in the swinger lifestyle, they explicitly or indirectly tell us their reasons for wanting to swing. They give us some ideas about what they hope to get out of it as they tell us why they got into it. They share with us their feelings for each other as well as their feelings about bringing others into their bedroom.

What they say is important, but their mannerisms and facial expressions are too. Are they both at ease and engaged? Do we get a sense of enthusiasm and excitement? Do they look at each other and touch each other as they talk?

This is where connections begin to bloom. We see that their why matches ours or that it is in sync with ours. We start to envision ways that we could interact and make some of their fantasies and desires a reality and vice versa. And that is because…

The Conversation is Reciprocal

Whenever we take the time to learn about another couple’s start in the swinger lifestyle it either follows or precedes our own tale. We share with them who we are as a couple, why and how we became swingers, and what we aim to get out of it (as well as put into it). We hope they see that we are deeply in love with and committed to each other. We hope we’re conveying our sincere interest in them as people as well as lovers. We hope they can sense that we’re in this as a team—both engaged and enthusiastic.

We want to reveal ourselves as much as we want to learn about them. That’s how a connection gets made.

We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here, please give us some claps and share with others! If you want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at

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Mr. & Mrs. Jones

Mr. & Mrs. Jones


We are swinger lifestyle podcasters and we gotta thing going on! Care to join us?