Swinger Rules & Swinger Boundaries
How They are Different and Why They are Important
Some folks outside the swinger lifestyle community may believe that couples who swing are lawless, with no rules or boundaries—anything goes. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, most happy and successful swinging couples know that establishing some sort of structure to their sex life together is what makes it work so well for them.
Over the years—through personal experience as well as the stories of others—we’ve realized that making too many things a “rule” is a recipe for failure. Many guidelines a couple sets out to follow will change and evolve over time. The couple finds out as things happen that these guidelines were helpful at the time they were set, but don’t break the relationship if they shift. We call these “boundaries,” and go into more details about them below.
The handful of principles a couple simply can’t break without serious consequences to their primary relationship, we call those “rules.”
Swinger Rules
These are the non-negotiable principles by which the two of you agree to swing, as a couple. Rules are foundational principles designed to protect your primary relationship while allowing you to open your sex life to others.
While we’re saying “non-negotiable,” that’s something of a misnomer. At any time, the two of you can sit down as a couple and open a discussion of the rules you have now and how you might want to modify them, together. When we say “non-negotiable,” we mean that these are the principles you’ve each agreed to uphold and will not break without having a conversation together about revisiting the rule. Breaking a rule without discussion and agreement as a couple can be very, very damaging to the primary relationship.
Rules differ by couple, but examples of foundational swinger rules might be things like…
- Our relationship always comes first. We will not do something that might hurt one another in order to protect the feelings of someone outside of our relationship.
- If one of us decides not to participate (before or during play), we are both out. No questions asked. No judgment. We can talk about why later, but in the moment we support the needs and feelings of each other without hesitation. No one “takes one for the team.”
- We choose who we will be with sexually, together. Neither one of us selects for the other and neither one of us selects without agreement from the other.
- We always use condoms when having sex with others, no matter how well we know them.
- We do not “air our dirty laundry” in front of others. If there is any disagreement, we discuss it privately. When others are with us, we present a unified front.
- We talk about each encounter together before it happens and we debrief our thoughts and feelings about the encounter together after each one.
- Consent is critical to us. We always get consent from the other person(s) before engaging in touch, kiss, or play.
You may establish rules that differ from these. The important take away is this: Couples who firmly stick to their foundational rules can be flexible with boundaries without it breaking the relationship. Boundaries are situational and may evolve.
Swinger Boundaries
These are “lines in the sand” we set for ourselves as a couple based on our comfort level, motivations, needs, and readiness at a particular point in time. Boundaries will shift and evolve over time—maybe forward as you become more experienced and open to new experiences, maybe backwards if life circumstances dictate that you take a step back from where you had been in terms of readiness or comfort level. Newcomers to the swinger lifestyle may feel the need for more boundary setting than those with much experience.
Boundaries may get crossed by one partner or both partners in the course of growing and developing in the swinger lifestyle. Couples are best off if they discuss pushing of boundaries before it happens when prepping for an encounter; however, if it happens that a boundary gets crossed by one or both people during a sexy encounter, a discussion afterwards should be able to salve any damage. This distinguishes boundaries from rules—breaking a rule has more potential to break the relationship (though that’s not a given, either).
The conversation that follows the pushing of a boundary can include why it happened, how it felt (to each person), and what impact it has on the boundary going forward (alter it? get rid of it?). Boundary-pushing may or may not involve apologizing, depending on how both partners felt about it, whether it was discussed in advance, and why it occurred.
Examples of swinger lifestyle boundaries might be…
- We play with others, together. We play in the same room, not separately.
- We agree before engaging in playtime about what play style we will follow encounter-by-encounter (full swap or soft swap). We don’t change play style mid-way through an encounter.
- We don’t play on the first date, even if we’re super attracted. We like to give ourselves and the other couple at least 24-hours to decide if we’re socially and sexually compatible.
- We are a soft-swap couple.
We’d be lying if we said we have never broken boundaries that we’ve set. Sometimes we mutually agree to break a boundary mid-way through an encounter. Sometimes one or the other of us inadvertently blurs a boundary. These changes don’t make or break our relationship, but are followed by a deep conversation (and, typically, growth).
The purpose of boundary setting is establishing, acknowledging, and honoring comfort-level at a certain point in time. Boundaries can and should be revisited regularly as you gather experience and grow individually and as a couple in the swinger lifestyle.
How Many is Too Many?
Setting a super lengthy list of rules and boundaries for yourselves could very well be a way to set yourselves up for failure in the swinger lifestyle.
When it comes to rules, you only want to set those that you feel could make or break your primary relationship. That may be 3–6 broad principles you both agree to follow no matter what and will commit not to break without having a serious conversation beforehand with agreement to adjust the rule.
The number of boundaries you have may be few or extensive. Just remember that the more you set…the more likely it is that a boundary will get pushed or crossed. Only set the boundaries that you feel you need at this point in time to play comfortably in the lifestyle. Revisit your boundaries often, perhaps after each lifestyle encounter. You’ll be surprised how quickly your boundaries expand, comfortably, as you gather experience together.
Communication of Rules and Boundaries to Others
It is critical to make sure that any single or couples you will play with knows your boundaries. If you have decided to be soft-swap, be sure to communicate that. If you only play in the same room, they need to know before one of them invites someone to another room. If you said you wouldn’t play on the first date, be sure to let the other couple or single know before you meet for the first time that it’s a meet-and-greet only.
Some rules don’t need to be communicated to others (example: “We don’t air our dirty laundry”). Other rules are imperative to discuss (example: “We always use condoms”).
You can also communicate some rules and boundaries through a dating website by indicating your preferences and play style there. Don’t rely on that alone, though. Be sure to communicate with each person or persons directly before playtime begins.
If you would like to hear more about our ideas on rules and boundaries, with examples from our own experiences, you can listen to us talk about it on We Gotta Thing podcast episode 29.
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.
