That’s Not Exactly What We Expected!
How We Found What We Weren’t Looking For in the Swinger Lifestyle (in a Very Good Way)
Like all of our Medium posts and podcast episodes, today’s article is just us sharing our own experience and perception of the swinger lifestyle. We realize that others have different experiences and outlooks, and fully respect that. We wanted to write this piece for those starting out in the lifestyle. It’s about how our perceptions changed over the years as we gained experiences and knowledge in the lifestyle. As Mrs. Jones puts it, “Until you get into it and start meeting people and having conversations with your partner, you’re not really going to know what path you want to go down with the lifestyle. You think you know. But you don’t know yet.”
What Originally Drew Us to the Lifestyle
Our interest in the swinger lifestyle came about after many years of monogamous marriage. We thought it seemed intriguing in large part because it seemed naughty and taboo. We liked the idea of having sexy fun and exploring our sexuality together and it was a thrill to think about and talk about and dip our toes into creating a private, separate, sexy space for ourselves away from our “real lives.”
It’s safe to say that we didn’t know a lot about it before we started to research and try things out. We started out very protective of our relationship because our perceptions of the lifestyle were pretty stereotypical. We envisioned swinging being all about “key parties” and guys wearing gold chains, and seedy sexy clubs that were filled with people who were a lot different than we viewed ourselves.
Our First Steps Into the Lifestyle
Initially, we focused on being physically, sexually attracted to others and seeking playtime with them. Because we were so protective of ourselves and our relationship, we had a lot of rules and boundaries, many of which were really barriers to getting to know people well. We spent a lot of time and energy protecting our identities and making sure we were being discreet. We tried not to let people know too much about our “real lives” — our jobs, kids, and hometown.
As we worked on finding “our thing” in the lifestyle, we found ourselves working through our emotions both individually and together, communicating more and better than ever before, and growing in both our understanding of who participates in the lifestyle as well as what we might want out of it.
Changes Over Time
As we gained experiences, we met some really awesome people. It didn’t take long to realize that our preconceived notions about what it meant to be a swinger were way off. We developed friendships and connections that we never anticipated, initially. As a result we loosened up and found ourselves wanting to share more of ourselves and deepen those relationships.
Interestingly, play time with others became less the focus of our involvement in the lifestyle — although it still occurs and is actually even more fun and fulfilling. We found ourselves just really enjoying the sense of community and the friendships that was developing. What happened, over time, is that we became more self-confident and clear about what this was to and for us. Our lengthy list of rules and boundaries became much more pared down as this occurred.
What We Found (That We Didn’t Initially Look For)
When we started out, we wanted to have sexy fun with others and explore some naughty, taboo sexual situations together. We had a lot of preconceived ideas about what we thought we were going to find in the swinger lifestyle. What we found, unexpectedly, is a much stronger sense of self as both individuals and as a couple as well as amazing, genuine friendships both with people very much like ourselves as well as different from us in very complementary ways.
It turns out that the amazing, fun sexy time we enjoy together and with others is a bonus to being in the lifestyle for us, rather than the sole, ultimate goal.
This article is a brief complement to our recent podcast episode 111: Finding Who You Weren’t Looking For. If you’d like to hear us talk about it in more detail, tune in!
We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.