What’s Love Got to Do With It?!

Mrs. Jones Talks About the Role of Love in the Swinger Lifestyle

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My marriage is the most important relationship in my life. I spent decades working on my relationship with Mr. Jones, always putting the needs of our marriage first when considering life decisions.

“But wait,” you say, “Being swingers means you are having sex with others. How can that successfully fit into a marriage based on that kind of love and commitment?” Here’s how:

When we discovered the swinging lifestyle—eight-plus years ago now—and contemplated whether or not it would work for us, I had so many doubts. I wondered how I would feel about having sex with someone else. Or how I would feel watching Mr. Jones having sex with a beautiful, intelligent and interesting woman.

I was concerned that he would find someone else sexier than me, funnier than me, more interesting than me, smarter than me, more talented in bed than me, prettier than me…back to sexier than me. I’m the mother of his children and I’m the one who keeps our household running. That also means that I’m the one who complains when the car makes a funny noise and I’m the one who nags when something in the house is broken and I’m the one who fought with our teenage girls and he had to be the mediator. Listen: Being someone’s life partner isn’t always sexy.

However, thankfully there is a flip side to that reality. I am also his soulmate. I know what makes Mr. Jones tick. I know just what to say to him when he has a bad day, and I’m the first one he turns to when he has something to celebrate. I’m his trusted advisor when he has a big decision to make, and I’m his cheerleader when he embarks on a new venture. I know how to challenge him to live his best life, and I’m there with unconditional support through the good and bad that life has to offer. I’m his best friend.

That certainty is what allowed us to give swinging a try and it’s what keeps us strong as a couple through our swinging adventures together.

When we connect with other people and invite them into our bed, we have sex with them. I am very careful about how I state that: We have sex with them, we do not make love with them. Sex with others is fun. It’s energizing; it’s a confidence booster; it reveals new desires and ways to experience pleasure. But it does not satisfy my soul; only sex with Mr. Jones can do that for me. Mr. Jones and I make love. We look into each other’s eyes and we just know that we love each other in a way that no one else can mess with.

The people that we play with aren’t interested in interfering with our relationship. They have strong relationships of their own. That’s why we like them, and that’s why we are confident enough to invite them into our bedroom. We choose couples who have solid, loving relationships. They are each other’s soulmates too. They are best friends. That’s a big part of what we find so sexy about them.

Our listeners know we talk a lot about the close connections we’ve made since entering the swinger lifestyle, the friends-for-life we have discovered and the bonds we have nurtured. So it may be easy to confuse our closeness and fondness with these other couples for some kind of polyamory or “love.” Though we may play repeatedly with other couples we have strong connections with, Mr. Jones and I are not in an ongoing relationship with anyone but one another. We experience fondness and love for our closest lifestyle friends, but it’s nothing like being IN love with them.

When you meet and connect with the right people, yes there’s lots of love in the room. The emotion flowing between the two couples in that scenario is genuine affection among friends, and a desire for everyone to experience pleasure and feel amazing. The fact that another couple displays their love for one another in front of us, sharing that intimacy with us, creates an amazing level of trust and connection that can evolve into a lifelong friendship.

But we are not in love with any of our swinging partners. We save and savor that love for each other. That center—that inalienable certainty—is the very reason we can share our marriage and enjoy sex with others.

We are Mr. & Mrs. Jones, swinger lifestyle podcasters. If you like what you read here and want to learn more about the swinger lifestyle and/or We Gotta Thing, you can find our podcast episodes and much more at WeGottaThing.com.

We love reading (and writing) about sex, sexuality, and the swinger lifestyle on Medium. It’s entirely worth the $5/month subscription. Care to join us?

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Mr. & Mrs. Jones

Mr. & Mrs. Jones

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We are swinger lifestyle podcasters and we gotta thing going on! Care to join us? WeGottaThing.com